Synergy. Verticals. Acquisition. Leverage.
Anyone who has set foot within 10 kilometres of an office block knows the repulsive language of corporate bullshit all too well.
It’s a dialect understood by everyone and no one at the same time. In all likelihood, you’ve found yourself nodding along as a boss or colleague boasts about how they’ve effectively conceptualised core competencies and aligned them with front-end ROI, thus dynamically cultivating supply chains and capital expenditure.
As you silently nod your approval as if you have even the slightest clue what they’re talking about, you’re effectively witnessing a brazen slaughter of the English language where the figurative corpse is injected with grey dye and veiled by dense fog.
Thankfully, a Texas-based Linux developer has created a handy one-click corporate bullshit generator to help you parrot your way out of a sticky situation.
Here are the first five phrases the tool spat out for me:
- Assertively leverage existing enterprise bandwidth.
- Conveniently administrate next-generation mindshare.
- Distinctively aggregate high standards in methods of empowerment.
- Appropriately aggregate strategic web services.
- Synergistically maximize 24/365 e-commerce.
You’ll get extra points if you accompany any written corporate bullshit with barely legible fine print; when speaking, talk rapidly and distract your audience with enthusiastic hand movements.
Next time you “circle back” to the “Relational Marketing Architect” at your “dynamic optimisation startup”, you’ll be ready.