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Clive Palmer has a new mobile game and it’s much like his policies: Bad

To start 2019, Clive Palmer has done two things that have horrified me: texted my mum and released a mobile game.

When mum received the unsolicited text message to vote for Clive Palmer’s United Australia party, she happened to be pouring herself a cold glass of Chardonnay.

I had a similar compulsion to pour liquor down my throat when I was asked to try Palmer’s mobile game for this article. But I’m a professional writer with a practised set of ethical standards – so I only had one shot of whisky before discarding them and downloading the app.

The mobile-exclusive game, released yesterday, is called Clive Palmer: Humble Meme Merchant. The game is 2D a side-scroller in the vein of Super Mario Bros., except instead of playing a cute little Italian plumber named Mario you play a fat, not-so-cute politician named Clive Palmer.

Clive Palmer collects biscuits instead of stars

Clive’s enemies include Ray Hadley. (Image: Emu War Games)

As Clive, you run across the screen from left to right, avoiding obstacles and enemies and collecting biscuits along the way. Enemies include a finger-waving Ray Hadley, a Kafkaesque Bill Shorten with a cockroach’s body and various other politicians and political commentators.

There are buttons to move Clive from left to right and make him jump, something I assume he hasn’t done in many years. As you move through the level (the first is set in Townsville, but you can unlock each Australian capital city) you pass United Australia Billboards and “Fake News Corp” Airplanes.

The only shred of entertainment offered by the game is its soundtrack of Clive Palmer-related cover songs. A parody of Culture Club’s ‘Karma Chameleon’ sings “Palmer Palmer Palmer Palmer’s worth a billion / He’s got 12 boats / And he needs your votes / he doesn’t like liberal, labour or the greens / he likes pies and cream”.

Bill Shorten and Fake News plane

Clive under attack from a cockroach Bill Shorten. (Image: Emu War Games)

So how is it as a game? Really hard actually. It’s like the Flappy Bird of political side-scrollers, though its difficulty comes less from game design brilliance and more from poor controls. The game is difficult to control, the music becomes swiftly annoying and the faux self-deprecation is enraging.

Clive Palmer: Humble Meme Merchant is a meme, but there’s nothing humble about it. It reeks of your cringey uncle who so desperately wants to be cool. It may as well listen to The Offspring, wear T-shirts with slogans like “Cool story babe, now grab me a sandwich” and make inappropriate jokes about taking drugs at music festivals.

On the Google Play store, the game is described as “the most relevant Australian mobile gaming title of 2019, showcasing the corruption and shortcomings of our current leaders.”

It certainly shows the shortcomings of one Clive Palmer. Clive needs to stop trying to show how young and hip he is – he’s becoming the human embodiment of the Steve Buscemi “how do you do, fellow kids?” meme.

Clive Palmer: Humble Meme Merchant is available on iOS and Android now. I would strongly recommend you download any other game in existence.

About the author

Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.

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Comments (1)

    Confused

    Saturday 19 January 2019

    Geez, Everybody is bashing this game! Why can’t people see it for what it is: A massive dose of Hilarious cringe humour! Have a laugh at it and get over yourselves! Seriously is there anybody out there left who has sense of humour? I got it just to have a laugh at it and thought it was OK! But if your after the next hit mobile game and don’t have ANY sense of humour (Thinking of a certain ABC reporter here!) don’t download it or you might write a review like Jack! Top job buddy!

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