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Corn flakes were originally created to stop people from masturbating

Judeo-Christian dogma has rejected the natural act of masturbation for hundreds of years, and it turns out Corn Flakes were part of that crusade. 

At the end of the 19th century, one of the most outspoken anti-masturbation voices in the US was a physician from Michigan named John Harvey Kellogg.

Dr Kellogg wasn’t too comfortable with sex or masturbation, believing it to be harmful for emotional, physical and spiritual health. The good doctor abstained from sex and never consummated his marriage.

Dr Kellogg and his wife didn’t even sleep in the same bedroom, and adopted their eight children. For him, sex with your wife was horrible, but masturbating was the most heinous of crimes.

“If commerce of the sexes is a heinous sin,” Dr Kellogg wrote, “self-pollution is a crime doubly abominable.”

Plain Facts for Old and Young: Embracing the Natural History and Hygiene of Organic Life, Dr Kellogg’s anti-masturbation magnum opus full of very few plain facts, outlined 39 different symptoms of someone who masturbates.

They include: general frailty, defective development, mood swings, fickleness, bashfulness, bad posture, boldness, stiff joints, fondness for spicy foods (?), acne, epilepsy and palpitations.

His solution for those poor sufferers of masturbation? A healthy diet. Dr Kellogg was under the impression that meat and select seasoned foods increased sexual libido. To curb such desires, he prescribed plain food like cereals and nuts.

While he was hard at work at Michigan’s Battle Creek Sanitarium, he tried out a bunch of healthy food products. Two of them became breakfast staples that we still enjoy over 100 years later – Granola and Corn Flakes.

Dr Kellogg first created what he referred to as a “health treat” for his patients. It was made of oatmeal and corn meal, baked into biscuits and crushed into bits.

He called the treat “granula”, but a similar product with the same name was already being sold, and Dr Kellogg changed the name to “granola”. A star was born.

Later in his tenure at the sanitarium, Dr Kellogg developed Corn Flakes as a healthy morning meal to curb that craving for masturbation.

He partnered with his brother Will, who was the sanitarium’s bookkeeper, and they started up a business by making and selling the treats to the public.

Will wasn’t as loopy as his brother and a bit more business minded. He wanted to add sugar to the bland flakes, but ol’ Johnny boy wouldn’t have a bar of it.

The brothers split and Will began selling the cereal through his own business, which eventually became the Kellogg company. I think I speak for every masturbator out there when I say that without Will’s idea to add sugar, Corn Flakes wouldn’t be what they are today.

Dr Kellogg wasn’t batting 100% with his healthy snacks. One of his failed ideas is basically the worst thing I’ve ever heard: he developed an enema machine that ran water through your bowels followed by a full pint of yoghurt. Surprisingly, that one wasn’t a hit.

Dr Kellogg also had other, far more harmful ways to keep masturbators in check. He suggested boys thread silver wire through their foreskin to stop erections and cause irritation that discourages touching.

For girls, he prescribed – and practiced – applying carbolic acid to the clitoris to burn it and prevent touching it. He also recommended parents bandage and tie their children’s hands, cover their genitals with cages and give them electric shocks.

I will never look at Corn Flakes the same way again.

About the author

Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose. Contact me at jackndelaney@gmail.com.

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