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How to completely avoid the royal wedding at all costs

It’s hard to believe it’s only been six months since Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced their engagement. Because let’s face it, it feels like forever.

Admittedly, millions of people will be watching the royal wedding at Windsor Castle on May 19.

But if watching a US actress marry a rich ginger just isn’t your thing, there are ways to avoid the wedding without throwing your TV out the window and hiding in your basement until Sunday.

Go for a very, VERY long walk

Headphones? Check.

Feet? Check.

Perfect, off you go. Just bear in mind the wedding coverage will be around five hours long so it’s maybe less “walk” more “never-ending-hike”.

Catch a flight outta here

Do you know who doesn’t care about the royal wedding?

Almost everyone in Papua New Guinea.

Papua New Guinea has limited phone signal, is covered by jungle for you to get lost in and there are still a couple of cannibal-tribes left, so if you somehow defy all odds and catch coverage of the day, you can just offer yourself up as lunch.

Go on a Republican, anti-monarchy protest

They live 10,000 miles away, so why is the Queen our monarch?

Time to raise the big questions, go on a peaceful protest and make your own headlines so you can avoid those coming out of the UK.

Campaign for the restoration of the Stuarts to the throne

Maybe you’re not anti-monarchy, you’re just anti-Windsor.

Well, it’s never too late to start a campaign for the heir of James II, who was ousted by William of Orange (King William III), to ascend the throne – even if it was 400 years ago.

There’s definitely a Kickstarter campaign in there somewhere.

Host an FA Cup Final party

As most soccer fans will undoubtedly know, the FA Cup final kicks off at 5:15pm on Saturday UK time.

So whilst that roughly translates to 2am in Australia, don’t let the late start put you off.

Because a late kickoff allows for a fantastic build up.

The match is between Chelsea and Man Utd, so why not take this opportunity to host your own wedding to Cahill or Sánchez?

We’ll leave that with you.

Celebrate World Whisky Day

Good news whisky drinkers, you have the perfect excuse to get drunk on Saturday, because it’s World Whisky Day!

If all goes to plan, even if you do catch a bit of royal wedding coverage, you won’t remember it the next day.

Of course, if all else fails and heading to a cannibal-island feels a bit much, you could just stick on a movie and kick out your other-half to watch Thor: Ragnarok in the peace and quiet.

Alternatively, enjoy a royal wedding drinking game and regret it the following morning.

We’ll leave that one with you.

About the author

Alice is a Londoner who quit her 9 – 5 job and bought a one way ticket to Sydney. Usually found pining after Leonardo DiCaprio, drinking red wine and keeping her Instagram “on point” via @alicesantics.

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Comment (2)

    Albert Schram

    Saturday 19 May 2018

    The remark on PNG is wrong on many levels. First of all, cannibalism stopped as a regular practice in the 1950s. Second, the Queens is the head of state, and a lot of PNGeans care about the royal family. You can not escape the royal wedding by going to PNG.


    Meri PNG

    Sunday 20 May 2018

    I’d prefer Big Rooster over any unsavoury royal wedding-escaping tourist any day thanks.