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Tony Abbott’s article about SSM is just the dumbest thing I’ve ever read

Forgotten, anthropomorphized fossil, Tony Abbott, has taken a break from (I assume) tenderly spooning a lump of coal to revive his unsolicited ‘old man shouts at cloud’ routine.

On the eve of the postal plebiscite, the onion-enthusiast took it upon himself to pen an op-ed for the Sydney Morning Herald.

It’s exactly as dumb as you think.

Like a terrified Chicken Little shrieking at the townspeople that the sky is falling in, Abbott’s exposition, ‘Why same sex marriage would shake society’s foundations’, does more to highlight the ‘NO’ vote’s own paranoia and insecurities than offer any meaningful argument against SSM.

…It’s a long time, thank God, since gay people have been discriminated against and just about everyone old enough to remember that time is invariably embarrassed at the intolerance that was once common.

Strong start.

Tone thinks that discrimination against LGBTQI people is a relic of the past – like cargo shorts, Ja Rule, and the upward trajectory of his own political career.

Those fancy, fabulous gays have never had it so bloody good!

Nevermind the fact that homosexuality only became legal in Tasmania in 1997, queer youth are five times more likely to kill themselves, and 60 per cent of LGBTI people have been victims of hate crimes.

Oh, and same-sex couples still can’t adopt in the Northern Territory; in South Australia, you can get your murder charge downgraded if you thought that a gay person was hitting on you; and religious schools are legally allowed to discriminate against LGBTIQ students.

But besides all that, it’s a pretty sweet gig.

And “thank GOD” that’s all over, he says, without a shred of irony.

The big fella upstairs has always been a big fan, apparently – but I just can’t shake the feeling that if he didn’t tell all of his followers to execute gay people then maybe a lot of this could’ve been avoided.

So far, it’s the supporters of change, not the opponents, who’ve been responsible for bullying and hate speech.

Filed to: Things that are not bullying and hate speech:

Anti SSM signs

Respectful, civil discourse. (Image: Dan Leach-Mcgill)

Anti SSM posters

A totally fine and acceptable poster. (Image: Darcy Jacobs)

All the overseas evidence shows that allowing “any two persons” to marry brings many other changes in its wake. In Britain, Catholic adoption agencies have been forced to close down and an orthodox Jewish school threatened with defunding. In America, a baker has been prosecuted for refusing to put a slogan on a wedding cake.

Zero of those things happened because same-sex marriage was legalised.

Firstly, the Jewish school was threatened with defunding because they refused to teach that “homosexuality is normal”. This was a breach of the 2010 Equality Act, a law that was in place some four years before SSM was legal in Britain.

Likewise, the Catholic adoption agency was in violation of the 2007 Sexual Orientation Regulations which also predates same-sex marriage, and the bakery debacle in Colorado was related to a longstanding, 1988 civil rights law.

And while pastry-based messages are clearly a very important human rights consideration, it’s also worth considering the immense social benefits that come from institutionalising same sex marriage.

For instance, lower rates of suicide, less psychological distress and increased social mobility

Saving lives > Cakes.

If you change marriage, you change society; because marriage is the basis of family; and family is the foundation of community.

Overlooking the fact his logic reads like a terrible 70s cop movie (“Wait what did you just say, Detective Joe? Refrigerator? Refrigerator…fridge…starts with F…F for frog…frogs live in ponds…Stabby Steve lived by a pond – the murderer was Steve all along!), none of this makes any sense.

Marriage is not the basis of a family. Having a family is the basis of a family. In Abbott’s world view, apparently only a man and a woman can have a family because they can smoosh their bits together and create a kid.

This is madness.

When my parents adopted my eldest sister, they were a family. They didn’t suddenly become any more of a family when mum gave birth to the rest of us.

When a same-sex couple lovingly raises a child, they are a family.

Maybe he’s just bitter because he was brutally ~cucked~ by Malcolm Turnbull, the son of a single dad in 2015 – but if child-rearing is so important to Abbott, then he should start paying attention to actual experts.

According to the American Psychological Association,

“Not a single study has found children of lesbian or gay parents to be disadvantaged in any significant respect relative to children of heterosexual parents.”

Not one.

Amongst the rambling, anachronistic, self-indulgent word-vomit, you won’t find a single shred of hard evidence to back up any of his absurd hypotheses.

Just the ghost of a man left behind by the machinations of the modern world throwing all manner of bizarre fantasies against a page and seeing what sticks.

If our society is so weak that two men or women marrying each other shakes its very foundations then frankly, maybe it deserves to be brought down.

Or at the very least, the foundations are in need of some urgent renovations.

About the author

Technically, Riordan writes culture, politics and sport, but 80% of his words are direct quotes stolen from The Simpsons. He promises to tweet more at @riordanl and speaks words for The Zero Thumbs Down Podcast.

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