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There’s a smart condom now so you can monitor and improve your banging skills

It’s pretty hard to ignore the health tracker trend that’s been sweeping the world.

Everywhere you go, people are wearing devices such as Fitbits that measure data including heartbeats, steps taken and calories burned.

It’s part of a movement known as ‘The Quantified Self’ which describes the practice of collecting data through wearable sensors. This idea goes back as early as the 1970s, but only really hit the mainstream in the last decade or so.

“Yeah, but what about penis activity?” I hear you cry.

Worry not. UK company British Condoms has heeded the call and come up with a “smart condom” to track sexual performance.

It’s called the “i.Con” and it isn’t actually a condom but a wearable ring that users put around the base of the penises. From there, the i.Con uses nano-chip sensors to record a number of variables captured during sex.

According to the preorder page, the i.Con can answer the following crucial questions:

• What’s my thrust velocity?
• How fast are my thrusts?
• How many calories did that sesh just burn?
• How many times did I just have sex?
• What’s the average skin temperature of my…eggplant?
• What’s my girth?
• How many different positions did I just conquer?

For the competitive lads out there, the i.Con will also feature “leaderboards” to show users how they compare with other i.Con wearers.

This could lead to some rather strange expressions:

“I just outthrusted Gary in Manilla. Yesssss!”

And could be a total game changer for Tinder profiles:

“Kevin, 28. 3 kilometres away, Active an hour ago.
Tradesperson. Fixie bike enthusiast. I do yoga and fix old motorcycles. Average sexual thrust speed 3 per second, check out my full stats here: i.Con.com/userKevinbike42”

The i.Con has a micro USB port and takes approximately an hour to charge. When fully charged, it will give users 6-8 hours worth of “live” usage, the company says.

In order to accommodate different sizes, the i.Con can be adjusted to suit everyone’s girth. The developers claim that the device will also include an STI indicator, but this feature has yet to be confirmed.

U.K customers can now pre-order the i.Con for $AUD 97 dollars and the rest of us will have to wait.

In the meantime, we’ll just have to monitor sexual performance the good old fashioned way – by communicating with our partners.

About the author

Stefan is an Adelaide-based freelance writer. In his spare time, he plays tennis badly, collects vinyl and brushes up on his Mandarin. Follow Stefan on Twitter

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