Hey, want to hear someone shriek the word “chardonnay” for no apparent reason 36 times in less than three-and-a-half minutes – or, on average, once every 5.8 seconds?
Because that’s what American mum (she claims to be a comedian, but there’s zero evidence of that here) Dena Blizzard offers in her cringingly bad sketch ‘Chardonnay Go’.
Talk show host Blizzard decided to get in on the Pokémon Go craze. And fair enough – everyone else is doing it (including us here at Techly).
But Blizzard’s means of leveraging the insanely popular augmented reality gaming app is a four-minute sketch in which she explores the neighbourhood playing “an app for mums called Chardonnay Go”.
Why ‘Chardonnay Go’? Like, what’s the connection? They don’t rhyme, there are no thematic touchpoints. The closest thing I can find to a link is that both Pokémon and Chardonnay contain three syllables.
It’s possible that Blizzard is famous among her fans for enjoying a glass of wine, because she appears to have a couple of bottles of plonk on her desk as she presents, in an attempt to be New Jersey’s answer to Graham Norton. Except without celebrities, or talent, or humour, or – y’know what we’ll just leave it, she’s not Graham Norton.
The video sees Blizzard running around the neighbourhood ‘finding’ glasses of chardonnay, taking a single sip, then returning the glass to wherever she found it “for the next person”.
Filmed on someone’s smartphone, with about as much camera control as a hypothermia patient re-filming the Blair Witch Project, the sketch has obviously been pre-planned, as other players pop up throughout.
But if she thought ahead far enough to ask other people to appear in the video, why oh why didn’t she write a script? Honestly, she just screeches “Chardonnay, chardonnay” over and over, occasionally mixing it up by saying “Chardonnay Go!”
By my count, she squeals the name of the ‘app’ 16 times and says ‘chardonnay’ independently of the word ‘go’ a grand total of 20 times.
That’s – as mentioned above – 36 times the wine is named in three minutes and 28 seconds.
Sprinkled in are all the shitty ‘comedy’ situations you had hoped died decades ago: she gets progressively drunker without ever actually drinking, she gets in one of those ridiculous girl-fights that not even sitcoms bother with anymore, and offers such biting satire as “Google wants you to drink!”
The only logical conclusion I can reach is she’s doing some kind of reverse David Hasslehoff thing – showing her kids how she behaves when she drinks so that they’re never tempted by the sauce.