It’s the 38th kilometre. Sweat leaks out of every pore. Your knees refuse to bend. Your ankles are made of wet spaghetti. Your back is bent and your calf muscles have been replaced by two rubber fan belts which grow tighter by the second. But you know what you need to get to the finish line. Pull the lever and it pops straight in your mouth. A crisp, cool, fresh… tomato.
If fear of being tomato-less with the finish line in sight has been holding back your Olympic ambitions, you never need worry again. The Japanese have a thing for that.
Introducing, the Tomatan. The Tomatan is a head-mounted tomato feeding device that operates similarly to the way bullets are fed into an M60 (a Rambo gun), with one tomato immediately ready to replace the next as soon as you enjoy your mid-race snack.
It stores six, meaning that it should just tide you over for the duration of the race.
Finally, I can get out of my garage laboratory and into my marathon gear – the final hurdle to my worldwide domination as a marathon runner has been cleared.
The device is already on the market, but for those who are concerned about how the large and somewhat cumbersome device might affect your running ability, never fear. Hot off the press, there’s a new miniature tomato feeding machine, which is even more portable and even more convenient.
The Petit-Tomaten was released just in time for the Tokyo Marathon on February 22 and was tested out to rave reviews.
(Incidentally, for you stockbrokers out there, it would probably be a good time to increase your tomato-related share portfolio, because if I am right, this thing is gonna be big – real big. And you don’t want to invest in tomato stocks after the boom – crash crash crash.)
The Tomaten – and now the Petit-Tomatent – is sure to produce a generation of super-fit, tomato-fuelled Japanese marathon champions. I just know it. Whether Australia can fight back with our own version – my research into the Steve Monaghetti Bolognese dispenser (patent pending) continues – but we will need to get the CSIRO on board lest we lose more ground to our trailblazing Japanese friends.