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Smuggle booze inside a baby: A strange strange Kickstarter project for the thirsty

For centuries, the humble hip flask has been helping people stay ‘lubricated’ in situations where drinking is either frowned upon, or flat-out illegal. Now a Kickstarter project wants to step in on the booze-camouflaging market with a vessel that hides your sweet nectar inside a baby.

On its Kickstarter page, The Cool Baby is described as “An expressive, customizable, hands-free beverage insulator that looks like a baby”. And while the pitch video features the creator filling the Cool Baby with ‘cola’, and the project page doesn’t once use the word ‘alcohol’, who’s smuggling soft drinks in anywhere?

This fake baby is definitely for people who want to keep their hooch concealed and cold.

The baby’s head, legs and arms are made of “lifelike” PVC plastic. The hollow torso is made of polyurethane foam, a material commonly used to insulate houses, to keep your beverage nice and chilled.

A 36 ounce (slightly more than 1 litre) bottle then fits inside the torso, with a straw going through the baby’s head and disguised by a hat, so you look as if you’re smelling or kissing your ‘baby’ on the head as you get in the gulps.

The coup de grâce is a cotton blend harness, so you can strap the baby to your chest, for easy, hands-free access to your drink.

The Cool Baby is the brainchild of Simon Philion, a some-time comedian, copywriter and first-time manufacturer of plastic babies used for smuggling spirits.

As to whether it’s legit, Philion says he has “a smart, experienced sourcing agent vetting factories” and is already looking at three factories for manufacturing the three parts.

He also explains that at this stage, the baby will only come in one colour: “Because of lack of resources in this first round, you’re going to be seeing a lot of sleeping, caucasian babies”. If the project gets off the ground, “all different kinds of baby races, baby dispositions, baby sexual orientations, and baby IQ’s” will follow.

Filling the Cool Baby with a bottle

Parent of the year. (The Cool Baby / Kickstarter)

The biggest problem I foresee with the Cool Baby is that its target audience – people who want to get pissed in public on the sly – are also the people least likely to ever have children. Turning up to the footy already half-cut, surrounded by a large group of your mates, with a baby strapped to your chest isn’t likely to fool any security guard. It’s the kind of disguise which is only going to work in places where drinking isn’t really a problem to begin with.

If you want to get your hands on a Cool Baby a pledge of $US25 (plus $15 shipping outside the States) will get you an early-bird product (of which, at time of writing, there are 42 of 75 remaining). The full-price model will require a pledge of $US40, with shipping expected in August.

Presently the project is not on track for success, with just $US4,400 pledged of a $70,000 goal. Funding finishes on February 28, so fans of infant-hidden alcoholism better get moving.

About the author

Joe was Junior Vice-President at Compu-Global-Hyper-Mega-Net until it was bought out by Bill Gates. He now subedits for Conversant Media and considers it a step up.

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