Two new iPhones were released yesterday by Apple, and the most innovative thing about them appears to be that they’re slightly bigger than the last lot of iPhones. I couldn’t be less excited. No wait, yes I could. Here are seven reasons to care less about the new iPhone.
It’s not even that big
The main feature of the iPhone 6 and the ridiculously named iPhone 6 Plus is that they feature bigger screens.
Well, bigger than other iPhones, anyway.
The iPhone 6 has a display of 4.7 inches – yeah great. Guess what? My Samsung Galaxy S3 that came out two years ago is 4.8 inches. Welcome to 2012, iPhone!
Meanwhile the supersized iPhone 6 Plus has a display of 5.5 inches – which is still smaller than the 5.7 inch Samsung Galaxy Note 4, announced last week.
The battery is caught inside an aluminium case of emotion
So the new iPhone has an all aluminium ‘uni-body’ and a sexy ‘seamless’ design, yada-yada-yada blah-blah.
You know what ‘seamless’ means? You can’t remove the battery – just like every iProduct in history. That means no quick reboot option when your device freezes, and no chucking in a fresh battery when you lose power on the run. It also means you can’t quickly rip it out and prevent your phone from short circuiting after you drop it in the bath (not that I’ve ever done that… ahem).
It’s not waterproof
Speaking of dropping expensive technology in the bath, is the new iPhone waterproof like the Samsung Galaxy S5 or the Sony Experia Z range? It isn’t?
Apple’s monopoly on peripherals is the worst
Before I came to my senses and bought an Android, I used to own an iPhone. And you know what my favourite part of owning an iPhone was? Updating the iOS every three months only to find that all the third-party charging cables and accessories I bought no longer worked.
It’s really nice of Apple to allow their customers to continue using their old iPhone 5 cables with the new iPhone 6 – at least that’s more generous than what they did with the last phone upgrade, when they messed with the plugs for fun and made everyone buy all new accessories.
But you know what would be even better? Incorporating a standardised input like a micro USB, so customers can use whatever add-ons they want.
Don’t hold your breath.
It’s full of useless doodads and wotsits
The only thingumy that got me even vaguely interested in the new iPhone 6 was the announcement of “a new efficient chip”, and that was only because I thought the bloke said “fish and chips”, so it doesn’t count.
Actually, the Apple Pay functionality sounds kind of interesting. But then we all found it’s only in the US, for now. And only with an iPhone 6. Now you have to pay hundreds of dollars to be able to do what your credit card already does.
Then there’s Apple’s new barometer which is apparently useful for elevation tracking. Because everyone goes hiking with their iPhone 6, and we need to feel good about those 13 steps we climbed while getting to and from Woolworths.
“It does everything your iPhone does, but in miniature form!” they told us.
So wait a second. The new iPhone is bigger, because everyone wants bigger phones. But apparently we also want teeny tiny phones too. That we can wear on our wrists. That can “track the moon” and monitor our heart rate. Nope. No, we don’t.
But it comes with a choice of straps! You can change the display to look like Mickey Mouse!
Wow! Hey, you know what is also great? A real watch that doesn’t cost a mint and doesn’t need recharging every night and won’t die if you get it wet, or smash it against a wall when you get shoved in a crowd, or scratch the hyper sensitive touch screen.
All of which will definitely happen within 24 hours of you putting on your Apple Watch for the first time, guaranteed.
I mean really – a watch that isn’t waterproof? Are they for real?
Although the fitness monitoring capabilities are a pretty cool alternative to the FitBit… What’s that? It will only work when paired with an iPhone 5 or later?